Westminster to remove seal on Pressly Patio in order to improve the graduation rate

Every Westminster student, whether a second-semester senior or a brand new freshman, will walk across Senior Patio sometime during their day. During each trek across Senior Patio, students walk by the shining Westminster seal, proudly engraved in the patio’s center. Unbeknownst to them, they have just risked their Westminster diploma and future.

For any readers who are unaware, it is believed, and unfortunately proven by many, that any student who steps onto the Westminster seal on Spatio (senior patio) will not graduate.

“I learned about the seal when I came here in elementary school,” explained an anonymous sophomore boy. “I remember walking across Spatio for the first time and almost stepping on the seal. Luckily, my friend pushed me away just in time.”

Many students recounted similar close-call experiences. Furthermore, several students of high academic prowess have expressed that they avoid Spatio for fear of losing their hard-earned GPAs. 

“I never take the risk of walking through Spatio,” said an anonymous junior boy. “I remember that three years ago, a senior was pushed onto the seal by another student, just so they would lose the competition for the starting job. I’ve even heard stories of prospective valedictorians being pushed onto the seal, just so another student could claim the title. That’s why I always walk through Scott Hall. It adds a few minutes to my commute, but the peace of mind is worth it.”

Over the years, the seal has been the center of much controversy at Westminster, resulting in numerous demands for its removal. Each appeal has been denied with an official school statement stating that stepping on the seal has no influence on students graduating. 

“I remember a few years back a junior tripped on his flip flops while running to class because he parked at Kent fields,” said an anonymous senior girl. “He fell right onto the seal, and to no one’s surprise, he did not graduate the following year.” 

The Westminster administration has repeatedly refused to remove the seal, arguing that there is no correlation between the seal and a student failing to graduate. In fact, when recently interviewed by WCAT, an unnamed dean of students shrewdly pointed out that the student was out of dress code, and thus likely did not graduate because he was a “slacker.” 

Unfortunately, due to the pandemic and struggles with Zoom learning, Westminster’s once prestigious graduation rate had fallen significantly. In a shocking announcement last week, Westminster’s administration announced their plans to permanently remove the seal in a desperate effort to stop the graduation rate from declining any further.

“The administration feels that it is in the best interest, for the future of Westminster and its student body, to remove the seal,” said an anonymous lead administrator. “In recent years, we have had numerous complaints surrounding the seal, yet have stayed steadfast in our decision to keep it. However, due to the pandemic and unforeseen consequences, we feel that removing the seal will remediate many people’s concerns and help uphold Westminster’s reputation of academic excellence.”

With the plans to remove the seal underway, students will soon be able to walk through Spatio without worry. Students and parents are grateful that Westminster is finally taking such swift and definitive action.

“It’s about time they got rid of the seal,” explained a freshman parent. “That seal has been there since I was a student at Westminster, and it ruined some of my good friends’ lives. I am just glad the school came to their senses and that my daughter won’t have to deal with that nonsense.” 

Likewise, Westminster seniors will soon be able to enjoy all aspects of Spatio.

“I’m really glad that the seal will be gone,” said an anonymous senior boy. “We never played foursquare or threw the frisbee on the Spatio because we didn’t want to accidentally step on the seal. However, with the seal gone, we’ll be able to play those games and enjoy our patio fully.”

In other news, the administration has already introduced new plans for Spatio. Multiple sources have confirmed that a new seal, depicting the Westminster varsity football mascot, will replace the old seal after its removal.

“I think it will be very beneficial for the program,” said an anonymous varsity football coach. “In recent years, the football team has rarely gotten any recognition or support from the school, and I think this is a great way to create more interest in football.”

While the seal is set to be removed by early April, the legacy of the seal will live on through those it touched indelibly. As for Westminster and its current student body, the future looks bright and full of graduations.

Note: This article, like all of our articles in the April Fool’s edition, is satire. Laugh.