Editors note: The following account of Roswell, GA, was entirely drawn from municipal Wikipedia pages and the columnists’ misconceptions and fabrications.
“There’s Rosgood, and then there’s Roswell.” Under this officially recognized motto, the glimmering Commonwealth of Roswell soars at the direction of its mayor named Jere (not Jere Wells, common misconception), who mountain bikes, surfs, and kayaks. Though it seems unlikely that he is able to do all of these activities and still effectively lord over Roswell by the power vested in him by the Constitution of the United States, he somehow manages to achieve this incredible feat–which probably explains how he has been elected to four consecutive terms, and defeated the mayor of 30 years, “Pug,” in ‘97 (the Year of the Sweeper).
Ever since an alien spaceship crashed in the deserted part of Roswell, it has been an important military center and the mayor has been an important military advisor to both North and South Korea. The better part of his career has been spent upholding the joint “Adopt some DMZ” initiative of the North and South. Based on the American “Adopt a Highway” system, the “Adopt some DMZ” plan allows citizens of both nations to pull weeds in the DMZ to keep it looking beautiful. Since no peace agreement was ever technically signed between the North and South, Mayor Jere keeps Roswell at DEFCON 3 and has one of those cool red phones that only important people can call.
Following the foundation of the ASDMZ policy by Mayor Jere, Honduras chose to locate their consulate in this important military center. For those of you who don’t know much about Honduras, it is located in Central America above Panama and below Mexico. Its motto, which boldly asserts that it is in fact a country, is, “Free, Sovereign, and Independent.” That’s all the important information we were able to scrounge up on Honduras, as their crippling poverty probably affected the ability of their citizens to have Internet access and edit their Wikipedia page.
Compared to the other metropolises that we have so eloquently explored, Roswell has the undisputed number-one Wikipedia article: perhaps its greatest accolade. Unlike other articles on minor cities in Georgia, to which we are no stranger, Roswell’s includes the appropriate amount of detail to paint a full picture of the city as the budding and starkly diverse metropolis where 2.4 percent of the population is unaware of their age. While it may shock many of our dedicated readers that we would even consider a city that finds itself a full four hours horseback ride (one way) from the Cobb county government seat, let us assure you that they did not have access to modern horses and that their estimates are ill informed and incorrect (while this information is incorrect, it doesn’t detract from the greatness of the article, because no other city chose to include the crucial information of how far away by horseback they are from the government seat. Legally, to be a city, you have to be within one day’s ride by horseback. The more you know…).
While often justified by the government as a malfunction of the “MOBUS” aerospace project conducted by the CIA, Roswell’s inclusion on the prestigious list of the 100 best cities in America is typically justified by locals as a result of extraterrestrial intervention, as their town is by no means a “fun” place to live. While Roswell is home to Startime Entertainment, both the arcade and miniature golf course are not up to par. This is just one example of the despicable humor you will no doubt be forced to endure in Roswell.
As people who spend a healthy portion of their class time browsing Wikipedia for random cities, we’ve learned that you can glean a lot of insight about a city from what their creepier, lonely citizens do with their time, and based on the sheer quality of their Wikipedia article we can assuredly say that at least a small portion of Roswell’s agoraphobics are extremely racist with a near fetishistic dedication of a “Big Mac” size portion of their Wikipedia entry to clarifying the exact ethnic breakdown of the city. To no one’s surprise, if you add up the ethnicities in one of their charts, the city is composed of 112.7 percent of ethnicities, which leaves a total of 44 percent ethnicity which is unaccounted for and presumably filled by the overwhelming presence of some sort of alien creature.
In conclusion, we have but one thing to say. Behind all the inconveniences of poor Wikipedia reporting, ridiculously long horseback commutes, and awkwardly non-Wells Jeres, Roswell is still Rosgood in our book.
