West Paces Willy’s to become Chipotle, all hell breaks loose

Willy’s or Chipotle: arguably the most controversial dispute that takes place on Westminster’s campus. Westminster students are as loyal to Willy’s Mexicana Grill as Jason Vuckovic is to Canada. People say you can’t live without oxygen. For Westminster students, it’s Willy’s queso. 

Despite Westminster’s dominating Willy’s-loving population, a quiet minority at the school sings praises for Willy’s sworn nemesis, Chipotle.

“In my heart, Chipotle will always rule over Willy’s mundaneness,” said a senior who chooses to remain anonymous for her own safety. “You will never hear me saying that out loud, though. It’s too dangerous; I fear I have already said too much.”

Perhaps the reason for Willy’s popularity amongst Westminster students is the Willy’s conveniently located right across the street on West Paces Road. Every day during lunch, you can find more cars with Westminster stickers in the West Paces parking lot than the Westminster parking deck, Kent Field, and Turner lot combined.

Last Friday, at 1:11 am, Willy’s announced on their Instagram that the West Paces location would be shutting down as a result of making too much money. It just wasn’t sustainable to be making that much profit.

At the exact same time, down to the nanosecond, Chipotle announced on their Instagram that they would be opening a West Paces location, in the exact same spot the infamous Willy’s once stood.

Head of the Upper School, Chanley Small, held a press conference this morning after news of this devastating change began spreading like wildfire.

“Westminster must remain a community, even during these extremely trying times,” said Small. “We will be holding a memorial service for the West Paces Willy’s on April 5. All are welcome. If you are so moved as to speak at the service, please sign up on the excel spreadsheet in your inbox.”

While some have chosen to react peacefully to the Chipotle takeover, others woke up and chose violence.

As of this morning, a horde of Westminster students have waited outside of the old Willy’s building. As Chipotle employees have started moving in, some have chosen to throw taco shells and buckets of salsa at them. Thankfully, nobody has been severely harmed, but if things take a turn for the worse, Chipotle will have no choice but to call in the big guns, their rapping tortilla mascot.

Stay safe out there, Wildcats. We live in a crazy world. Remember to make good choices, and never forget that Chipotle will always be superior to Willy’s.