The mysterious stench of Campbell revealed to be the accumulation of underclassmen

In fall 2020, the long-awaited renovation of Campbell Hall was finally complete, and as students took their first steps into the bright, newly innovated space, many wanted to immediately turn around.

A mysterious stench bombards the senses upon entry into Campbell. As per a poll of the student body, the notes of the scent are most commonly described as manure-like, fishy, and toilet water-esque. Teachers and students alike grumble about the smell and attempt to find their own solutions.  

“I’ve tried everything! The windows don’t crack up open, so I’ve tried diffusers, air fresheners, incense sticks, potpourri– everything!” said math teacher Walter Wildcat. “Nothing seems to stick. The smell is just too strong” 

The odor has also affected the academic performance of some students, the foulness a distraction. 

“I’ve had students come in pale-faced and light-headed due to the unbearable smell,” said Wildcat. “It’s even worse when it rains– something about the humidity it seems.” 

Conspiracies have been conspiring all year. Among the most popular include a poor sewage system, leaks from Malone, and an underground trash dump. Despite frequent complaints, however, the administration continued to decline to comment or communicate ways to eliminate the smell from school halls. The student body became so fed up with the stink, some decided to inspect the issue themselves.  

Led by freshman Fabio Fresh, he and other freshmen sniffed around the halls for weeks. 

“We would get here an hour early and stay an hour late,” said Fresh. “My mom wasn’t very happy dropping me off so early, but I had to do what I had to do.” 

While Fresh developed a mysterious viral infection as a result of the search, his nose also led him to discover the stench to originate from the shared open-space in Hawkins. 

“The must was so obviously lingering in that spot,” said Fresh. “There must be some sort of mold growing there.”   

The results were spread far and wide, and the student body had an immediate response. Parents called, students protested, and faculty emailed. 

“I can’t believe my child has been learning in this stank house this whole time,” said an anonymous parent. “A mold infestation is a serious situation.” 

Unable to ignore the allegations, the administration has conducted an official investigation to locate the source of the issue. The results concluded in a different outcome than the student-led investigation. 

“We thoroughly considered all suggestions made by the students and faculty as well as checked all the possible factors of the smell,” said head of upper school Chanley Small. “The result was the infestation of the current freshman class in the second floor of Hawkins.”

Combined with their easy access and enthusiastic presence in Brewer’s Cafe, how they huddle in packs, and simply the sheer quantity of them, the freshmen have certainly left a mark on the area. 

“That makes so much sense. It’s definitely the freshmen,” said junior Junie B. Junior. “Now that I think about it, ever since they camped down on the second floor, the smell began. Sometimes correlation really is causation.” 

When asked to comment, the freshmen denied all accusations. 

“I don’t think it’s us. I am not the problem.” said Fresh.  

As the freshmen cannot be eradicated, the smell may stay for the duration of the school year.