Drake to speak at class of 2023 commencement ceremony

Prior to his highly anticipated national tour, Drake will take the stage at Westminster’s 2023 commencement as the special speaker. Students are ecstatic, as Drake’s lineup includes fan favorites such as gospel anthem “God’s Plan” and “Best I Ever Had.” Both songs serve as segues into President Evans’s rumored speech about Westminster’s lasting impact, followed by a paid promotion by the Westminster Alumni Association reminding seniors to submit their contact information. 

“I don’t really give a [bleep], and my excuse is that I’m young,” says senior Lil Uzi Vert, quoting popular Drake song “Trust Issues,” when asked about the artist’s nearing performance. The Bi-Line was unable to contact other members of the senior class for comment as attendance has been at historic lows. 

“I saw one of my APUSH students in class the other day. I was shocked. I thought the species went extinct. Truly a life-altering experience,” said history teacher Eric Combest. 

In response, Combest’s colleague, and father of Westminster’s favorite newborn, computer science teacher Jake Kazlow said, “You only live once: that’s the motto, [bleep], YOLO.”

Many view Drake’s performance as a frantic effort to encourage senior attendance. Further, the Well is expected to collaborate with College Counseling to organize emails sent every two minutes featuring advice from self-help gurus such as former president Barack Obama and actor Chris Pratt. The partnership has been referred to by some as “the perfect ship.” 

“I stan them,” says Co-Chair Lauren James. “My favorite thing is when Westminster sends us 400 mass emails per day. It really fosters community.”

Regardless of grade level, students are excited for Drake to come to Westminster. Alongside diplomas, students will be given goodie bags containing Westminster apparel and hot sauce at the artist’s request.