Batch introduces new form of detention: students must now babysit his child

As of just last week, the dean of students, Brooks Batcheller, has announced via the Wildcat Updates that a new form of detention will be enforced for students who violate school handbook policies. Starting next Monday, students must spend 30 minutes in either the morning, during lunch, or after school taking William Batcheller to the most notable spots around Atlanta. 

The news comes as a shock to most rule-breakers, who are used to spending their detention hours expressing their artistic abilities on the Campbell Hall desks. 

“I mean, it’s definitely not the worst form of detention,” says junior Gertrude Smith. “Yesterday, during lunch, William just went up to the wall and scribbled ‘bowling’ in Sharpie, so we went to Main Event. I ended up missing my entire last class. Man, that kid can BOWL.”

Batcheller, when pressed on the issue, stated that this “test of trust” with students is actually healthy for all parties involved.

“I think the form of detention we’ve had in the past is simply very dated,” Batcheller said. “With this new approach, the student gets to explore Atlanta while understanding the privileges and responsibilities of parenting. For my child.”

This new “punishment” has ended up having quite the opposite effect on the student body: the school has experienced a sharp increase in the number of parking and dress code violations. For the first time in its short history, the parking deck was full last Wednesday – cars branding ’24 and ’25 parking stickers filled each space, eager to get the chance to take William Batcheller around Atlanta.

There are downsides to the adventure, though – students must pay for all expenses involved during the punishment, with no exceptions.

“Dude’s got an exquisite palate,” said senior John Johnson. “He wanted to go to Nobu. Nobu! Kid proceeded to drop about $400 on sushi alone. Then he wanted to go to the World of Coke. I thought ‘sure, simple enough’: WRONG! He must have bought every item of merchandise in that store. I don’t even know how I’m going to explain those charges to my parents.” 

Although some resent the expenses involved, others still find plenty of joy in this new activity. One Instagram account, under the handle @WilliamExploresATL, details the adventures of the lower schooler. The creator of the account, senior Jane Josephson, has been shocked at the amount of positive engagement with the account.

“It’s crazy! We even have people from Lovett and Pace following the account! As of right now, we’re at 25,374 followers! I guess people just love to see William’s adventures,” Josephson said.

It isn’t difficult to tell that William Batcheller is quite literally “living the life.” We can only wonder what new form of detention will be introduced next. Students should prepare their bank accounts and vehicles, because this kid has got a mission.