Westminster takes laptops from students who did not complete the update

Westminster’s IT department acts as “men behind the curtain” on campus. They control students’ laptops, block favorite shopping websites, send students’ search results to the FBI, and, once or twice a year, send out the much agonized over, highly ignored email telling students to update their computers. 

On Dec. 17, 2021, Westminster IT Services pushed out an email with the subject line “Required: Update to macOS Monterey.” In the body of the email, students were given a step-by-step list of instructions, including screenshots, of how to perform the update on their own. More importantly, students were asked politely to complete the update before returning to school in January.

“The email said to ‘Please complete the upgrade process before returning to school in January,’” said Wildcat Walter. “It did not seem particularly urgent or pressing, especially with the polite tone, so I did not prioritize the update.”

Wildcat Walter was not alone, as it is now April, and more than half of the Upper School is yet to complete the update. IT Services has become increasingly flustered with the overwhelming number of malfunctioning laptops on campus. Coupled with students’ resistance to restart their computers despite incredibly annoying and frequent notices that it has been 27 weeks since they have restarted their laptop, the lack of completed updates is taking its toll on the efficiency of technology on campus.

“I always get those notifications to update my laptop and to restart my computer, but I just ignore them,” said a studious and stressed junior. “At first, I didn’t even read them, but now, I just don’t listen because I cannot afford to. I have so much homework to do on my laptop, I just cannot be without it for the hour it would take to complete.”

Indeed, a series of excuses has been made to have not updated, to which IT workers often mutter rebuttals under their breath.

“I think students are being stupid,” said an anonymous IT technician. “We all know they spend at least an hour every night procrastinating, not to mention they could just start the update before they go to bed and wake up in the morning to a properly functioning, up-to-date computer.”

Needless to say, IT has become increasingly frustrated with students, and they recently decided to take action. A cohort representing the interests of the entire Westminster IT department made an appeal to the administration, begging them to provide extra support to the IT department in convincing students to update.

“We really were not asking for much,” said an anonymous IT specialist. “Our main goal was just to bring the problem to the administration’s attention and convince them to maybe help send out some reminder emails or include something in the Student Announcements coming from the deans or another figure on campus that students fear more.”

Despite small demands and low goals, the IT department’s appeal led to great action from the administration. The school not only agreed to help remind students to update, but they also have decided to set a deadline that students must update by in order to keep their computers. 

“It really does not look good for our students to not have updated their computers, months after having been asked,” said an anonymous administrator. “In fact, it is not even the update itself that bothers us, but rather a lack of ability to follow simple instructions and a disdain for the rules set forth by our much beloved IT department.”

If students do not complete the Dec. 17 update by April 15, the school will confiscate their laptops. These students will additionally be expected to attend detention, during which, instead of homework, they must complete an apology letter addressed to a member of the IT department. Even without a laptop, students are expected to keep up with school work and meet normal deadlines.

“I cannot believe they are planning to take our laptops over a small little update,” said an indignant sophomore. “I mean, we need them for school. I cannot finish my in-class essays with a pen and paper; I don’t even know if I know how to hand write anymore.”

While many students complain that this new update policy is unfair, some students support the administration’s new move. 

“I did the update immediately after I got the email,” said a freshman. “I do not really get why it is that big of a deal to do the update. Anyways, I am sure everyone will do the update now, no one wants to be without their laptop.”

Only time will tell if the new policy will truly encourage students to complete the software update, but students be warned. Come April 15, those who have not yet completed the update will have to say goodbye to their MacBooks. 

Note: This article, like all of our articles in the April Fool’s edition, is satire. Laugh.