Junior honors biology fish project suspended indefinitely after bioengineering disaster

The fish project, a staple of the biology curriculum, is designed to provide students with an introduction to bioengineering through experimentation with different fish species. However, due to a series of unfortunate circumstances, the project ended up yielding some toxic results. 

“We didn’t expect this outcome,” said honors biology teacher Courtney Cox about the recent results of the junior class’s attempted aquatic bioengineering. Although the yearly project is well-developed, Cox said, “This year’s juniors are the worst I’ve ever had.”  

Unfortunately, Westminster Bi-Line journalists are prohibited from entering the lower floor of Robinson due to radiation poisoning in the greenhouse. The entire area is now closed to students without an A in honors biology. Cox and her team, consisting of AP biology teacher Jason Vuckovic and her favorite students, are working toward a solution to the disastrous fish project. 

“I believe Westminster Victory could create a wind tunnel so large it would decontaminate it,” said Vuckovic, last seen wearing a green Westminster rowing boathouse jacket as a Hazmat suit.
The infamous firewall has prevented students from researching terms including “fish,” “symptoms of nuclear radiation poisoning,” and “how to know if you are becoming Aquaman” on school laptops in an effort to conceal the mistake. Due to the effects of the event on many students, the Well now provides services to former junior biology participants focused on personal healing by finding their own version of “love, challenge, lead, change.” When contacted, Westminster IT and the Well declined to comment. 

Despite the high classification of the project’s results, an honors biology student revealed, “It’s fye. I have gills now.” When asked about other symptoms of the fish project outbreak, the student was hesitant, noting that their new color-changing scales are out of dress code. The informant chose to remain anonymous for fear of detention from dean of students Brooks Batcheller. 

The project utilizes previously genetically engineered fish patented by Westminster for educational research. Even though no one knows how the strain, dubbed “ Aquacat Disease” by Cox in a recent ceremony (visit thebiline.com for more information and coverage), originated, multiple theories have emerged across campus. 

A radical group devoted to the worshiping of those infected with the disease is the most widely discussed, with members often seen wearing T-shirts with quotes from The Rainbow Fish printed on them in solidarity. The administration has attempted to quell these rumors with a new section of WCAT called “Aquacat Updates” and replacing the beloved mental health assemblies with a series of speakers on “How to deal with Aquacat: what it means, where it comes from, and what now?” 

Recently, Cox and her team discovered detrimental psychological effects stemming from exposure to Aquacat Disease, including parking at the parking deck as a junior and walking across Spatio during a four-square game. Cox noted that the best way to protect against the disease is by drinking two to three Brewer Café fruit smoothies per day. The smoothies can also be administered through a nasal spray, available in the nurse’s office. These smoothies have been found to easily combat Aquacat Disease by forming an impermeable internal sugar wall. Although incredibly effective, essential nutrients are unable to penetrate the wall, so that students who chose this method will only be able to drink smoothies for the remainder of their time at Westminster. FLIK is expected to become a secondary option for many, but students have been seen mixing their fruit smoothies with their treasured chicken and rice to preserve tradition.

In order to prepare students for the possible spread of Aquacat, Westminster is mandating a Zoom day on April 1. To lift spirits and ensure success on Zoom, the administration has organized a viewing of James Wan’s 2018 film Aquaman, starring Jason Momoa, as well as a compulsory two laps of the summer camp’s canoe pond to build up immunity. 

Note: This article, like all of our articles in the April Fool’s edition, is satire. Laugh.